I was originally going to write this post about how in my Space Jam metaphor for this NBA Finals, Lebron James was playing the part of Michael Jordan— the guy who had to do absolutely everything for his team to win. The Thunder would be the Monstars, an absurd collection of NBA talent that seems invincible and can only be beaten by a superhuman performance (literally superhuman: Michael Jordan had to stretch his arm half the length of a basketball court to hit a buzzer beating game winner). Russell Westbrook would be the red Nerdluck (look it up, that’s what the Moron Mountain aliens are called) because it seems like how he would act. It fit, because Lebron is always going to be compared to Michael Jordan (fairly or unfairly) and winning this series is something MJ would have done, and Lebron is going to have to do if his legacy will every stack up to the greatest player of all time.
After watching Game 2, and this video:
I’ve had to recalibrate completely, despite the Thunder losing.
(Quick note: all Space Jam stats from here on out are taken from the HSAC’s “Compiling The Absurd Box Score For Space Jam“)
In this series, the Heat are clearly the Monstars and Kevin Durant is playing the part of Michael Jordan— the guy who will completely take over the game at key moments in order for his team to win. He won’t only be the best player ont he court, there will be times when he is literally unstoppable. He might go for 44 points with an absurd usage rate and only turn the ball over twice. He went for 32 and two turnovers in Game 2 and was easily the best player on the court.
Russell Westbrook is his equal parts Bugs Bunny (stat line: 10 pts, 4 TO) and Tasmanian Devil (for obvious reasons). The second best player on the team, Bugs at times pulls off unbelievable feats and would be roughly as fast as Westbrook during the play in which he steals the ball while riding a motorcycle.
Serge Ibaka is Wile E. Coyote. Ibaka’s blocking skills are the real-life equivalent of loading the basket with a metric ton of explosives.
James Harden is obviously Bill Murray because he only shows up in the fourth quarter and doesn’t play defense. I can also see him yelling “Kevin I’m open! Never mind.”
Looking to the Heat, Lebron James will play the role of Pound (the orange Nerdluck AKA Charles Barkley) and Dwyane Wade is Bupkus (purple/Patrick Ewing). Both are dominant players, though James (Pound) has more potential to completely obliterate opponents. Chris Bosh is Blanko (blue/Shawn Bradley) because, well, come on:
All jokes aside, in a series between two teams with incredible talents like this, the winner is going to be determined by who can stretch their arm the farthest.
Give me the Thunder in seven because they hang out with Kate Upton.