Game 64: I’ve got 99 problems and Beachy’s elbow is a big one. (NSFW language)

Hold on guys, this one is gonna be an adventure. The only way to feel better about Brandon Beachy’s potentially season-ending injury is to marginalize your fears through the transformative properties of rap music.

If you’re havin’ elbow problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a pitch ain’t one

[Verse One]
I got the Braves patrol on the games patrol
Foes that wanna make sure my division title’s closed
Ball critics they say he’s “Throwin’ No-Nos”
I’m from The Ted stupid, what type of facts are those
If you grew up with holes in ya zapatos
You’d be celebrating the minute you was havin’ dough
I’m like fuck critics you can kiss my whole asshole
If you don’t like my pitches you can press fast forward
I got beef with Fredi if I don’t play in the show
They don’t get any hits I don’t give a shit SO
Keith Law tries to use my undrafted ass
So ESPN can give ‘em more cash for ads,
I don’t know what you take me as,
Or understand the intelligence that Beach-E has
I’m from Indiana Wesleyan to ritches man I ain’t dumb
I got 99 problems but my elbow ain’t one
(Can’t) Hit me

[Chorus]
99 problems but the pitches aint one
If you’re havin’ elbow problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a pitch ain’t one
(Can’t) Hit me

[Verse Two]
The year’s ’04 and my stuff is raw
In my rear view mirror is the mother fuckin’ (Keith) Law
I got two choices y’all stay over at third or (hmmm)
Bounce on the double put the fastball to the floor
Now I ain’t tryin’ to see no bad third base with Beach.
Plus i got a few years where McDowell can teach
So I…step over to the side of the rubber
I heard “Son do you know what I’m pullin’ you for?”
Cause I’m young and I’m stacked and my hats real low?
Do I look like a mind reader sir, I don’t know
Am I coming out or should I guess some mo’?
“Well you was throwin’ ninety-five in the bottom of the fo’
Gimme the ball and hit the showers, onto the car”
Are you carryin’ a curveball on you I know a lot of you are”
I ain’t steppin out of shit all my pitches legit
“Well, do you mind if I look round the bullpen a little bit?”
Well my glove and arm are locked so is the resin in the back
And I know my lineups so you gon’ need a lefty for that
“Aren’t you sharp as a tack, you some type of coach or something?
Or somebody important like that?”
Nah, I ain’t on the bench but I know a little bit
Enough that you won’t break up my no-hit
“We’ll see how smart you are when the umpires come”
I got 99 problems but a pitch ain’t one
(Can’t) Hit me

[Chorus]
99 Problems but a pitch ain’t one
if you havin’ elbow problems
I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a pitch ain’t one (can’t) hit me

99 Problems but a pitch ain’t one
if you havin elbow problems
I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a pitch ain’t one
(Can’t) Hit me

[Verse Three]
Now once upon a time not too long ago
A pitcha like myself had to strong arm a coach
This is not a coach in the sense of havin a lineup
But a coach havin no God Damn sense, bringing in Durbin
I tried to ignore him and talk to the Lord
Pray for him, cause some fools just love to perform
You know the type, loud as a motor bike
But wouldn’t bust a grape in a fruit fight
The only thing that’s gonna happen is I’ma get to clappin
He and his boys gon be yappin to the captain
And there I go trapped in the bullpen again
Back through the system with the ROOGYs again
Fiends on the floor scratchin again
paparazzi’s with they cameras snappin them
Frank Wren tried to give this pitcha a shaft again
Half-a-mil for salary cause I’m undrafted man
All because this fool was harrasin’ them
Tryin to play the boy like hes saccarin
But ain’t nothin unsweet ’bout how I throw my heat
I got 99 problems being a pitcher ain’t one.
(Can’t) Hit me

[Chorus X3]

You’re crazy for this one Chip
It’s you boy

If you made it through all of that and understood half of it, congratulations.

On a serious note, Beachy will have an MRI this week and I’m really really worried because elbows are a scary thing. Not the process of the recovery, because Tommy John surgery has gotten so good that if Beachy does have to undergo it, he will be fine come next season. I am worried about losing the league leader in ERA for the rest of a pennant race, however.

If Beachy is gone, Kris Medlen is already stretched out to start and Julio Teheran looked good in his last MLB start, so the Braves will be alright.

This could all be solved if Beachy’s elbow was fine though, so let’s all just hope for that.

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