Kentucky is bad at football
Each week I rank the teams in the SEC 1-14. This week, we are Footballstrodamus, Georgia continues Atlanta’s miserable 2013, Missouri had the worst bye week ever, Johnny Manziel is in NOLA and we write our favorite Kensucky joke of all time.
1. No. 1 Alabama (10-0, 7-0 SEC)
The Crimson Tide lost ground in the national picture by struggling to a 20-7 win over Mississippi State while Florida State beat Syracuse so badly that Seminole players were playing hangman on the sidelines. The SEC West will be decided this weekend in the first-ever winner-take-all Iron Bowl on Saturday.
2. No. 6 Auburn (10-1, 6-1)
Being a Vanderbilt football fan for all 21 years of my life completely prepared me for Saturday’s crazy play when I turned to my friend as Georgia was driving to go ahead with less than two minutes left and said, “Georgia’s going to lose this game in a totally heartbreaking way. They’ll go ahead, then something stupid will happen like a pass bouncing off a Georgia defender into an Auburn receiver’s hands in the end zone.”
Basically, I can see the future. Don’t worry, I’ll try to only use my powers for good.
3. No. 8 Missouri (9-1, 5-1)
No team was hurt more by the bye week than Missouri, who saw two games that could essentially lock up the division for the Tigers go horribly awry. Now the only way for Missouri to win the SEC East is to win against Ole Miss and Texas A&M. Lesson learned, kids. If you want something done right, you should never trust the Georgia Bulldogs or Florida Gators.
4. No. 12 Texas A&M (8-2, 4-2)
The Aggies have only lost this year to Alabama and Auburn, who are a combined 19-1 for the season. Johnny Manziel has never lost on the road in his career, but LSU is awfully close to New Orleans, so one can only imagine what kind of trouble he’ll get into between now and Saturday’s game.
5. No. 11 South Carolina (8-2, 6-2)
The Gamecocks will play Coastal Carolina on Saturday. Can you guess the mascot for Coastal Carolina?
No, they’re not the Fighting Jimmy Buffetts. They are the Chanticleers. Apparently, a Chanticleer is a sort of fighting chicken and was intentionally picked to mimic the Gamecock of South Carolina. They really should be the Fighting Jimmy Buffetts.
6. Georgia (6-4, 4-3)
I don’t know what Indian burial ground UGA built a new dorm on this year, but the Bulldogs are cursed. They should probably move to Cobb County.
7. No. 22 LSU (7-3, 3-3)
Les Miles was given a bye week to prepare for Texas A&M, so I’m taking bets now: Over-under 1.5 fake field goals and punts run by LSU Saturday. Smart money is on the over.
8. No. 24 Ole Miss (7-3, 3-3)
The Rebels have the opportunity to wreck Missouri’s dream season Saturday in Vaught-Hemingway Stadium. With a chance for 9-3 and beloved former head coach Ed Orgeron lighting the world on fire at USC, everything’s coming up Milhouse for the Rebels right now.
9. Vanderbilt (6-4, 3-4)
The Commodores clinched a third straight bowl berth. Prior to James Franklin’s arrival, the program had appeared in four total bowl games.
*Lets out a long Ric Flair “Wooooo!”*
Was it an ugly win over Kentucky? Yes, but in the words of former quarterback Jay Cutler, “DON’T CAAAAARE.”
10. Florida (4-6, 3-5)
Will Muschamp punched a whiteboard during halftime. That’s it. That’s the joke.
11. Tennessee (4-6, 1-5)
Do you like apples, Tennessee fans?
You have to beat Vanderbilt to keep your hopes alive for bowl eligibility and HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?
12. Arkansas (3-7, 0-6)
If you watch Arkansas-Mississippi State on Saturday, then you are an actual masochist. This game will be like playing Monopoly because it will take three hours, no one will win, and eventually someone will flip the board over and quit.
13. Mississippi State (4-6, 1-5)
Against Alabama, the Bulldogs looked like the Little Giants playing the Cowboys Saturday. Except in this version of the movie, the Little Giants are beaten mercilessly by the Cowboys and no one gets trophies for participation because this is America.
14. Kentucky (2-8, 0-6)
Still waiting for Mark Stoops to walk to the podium for his post-game press conference, sit down, look at the reporters and proudly proclaim, “THE ARISTOCRATS!”
(Weeks without a basketball joke: 13.)