Each week we rank the teams in the SEC 1-14. This week we’re a day late and very sorry about that, Alabama reclaims its rightful place atop the conference, and Gary Pinkel is Mr. Steal Yo’ Girl.
1. Alabama Crimson Tide
Well, looks like we’re back to this. After a solid half of a season where we thought it might be a down year for the Tide, here they are. Back at the top. Time is a flat circle.
*sighs deeply* Nick Saban is the goddang Yellow King, and there’s not a damn thing any one of us can do about it. He’s been
driving Lincolns winning championships way before anyone paid him to, he just does it because he likes to.
2. Mississippi St. Bulldogs
Sometimes it’s better to lose well than win. We all thought Dan Mullen was a moron Saturday when he played for one touchdown when the Bulldogs needed two to beat Alabama. What we didn’t realize is that Mullen is a genius and actually created the easiest path possible to the playoff for his Bulldogs.
By “only” losing to Alabama by five points, the Bulldogs get credit for being in the game with the No. 1 team in the country until the very end, but now don’t face the additional danger of an SEC title game. The Playoff Committee only dropped Mississippi State to No. 4 in the rankings, so now all they have to do is beat Ole Miss and they’re in. Granted, that’s not a given, but it is easier than beating both Ole Miss and Georgia/Mizzou.
I’m on to you, Danny Boy.
3. Ole Miss Rebels
Is Ole Miss-Arkansas the best college football game this weekend? Maybe this is a good Saturday to get outside, speak to your loved ones, or just don’t turn the TV on. Go do something with your life, you degenerate.
4. Georgia Bulldogs
Beat Auburn badly enough that talking heads are now questioning whether Auburn is a good enough team that the win actually benefits Georgia, because college football rankings have always been, and always will be, an unbelievable mess that nothing positive will ever come out of.
Georgia fans are going to have to root for Tennessee this weekend to beat Missouri, which should be high comedy. Call up your Georgia friends and ask where they’re watching the game. Make sure you take pictures. Bonus points if you can get one of them to put on that #8 Jonathan Crompton jersey that you still have. Yes, we know that that’s not a Marquez North jersey, it’s from that sad period in your life when you thought Crompton could amount to more than the eighth-leading passer in the Canadian Football League. Just put it on your sad Bulldog friend and take pictures.
5. Auburn Tigers
Given the schedule, finishing this season with three or four losses really should be considered a major accomplishment. Of course, someone is probably going to scream “SEC BIAS” at me for saying that, but it’s true. You tend to lose more games when you play good teams. Shocking, I know.
6. Missouri Tigers
Might win the SEC East despite getting blown out at home by UGA and losing to Indiana. Georgia fans, Gary Pinkel is Mr. Steal Yo’ Girl.
Successfully avoided receiving “The Golden Boot” trophy awarded annually to the winner of Arkansas-LSU. The trophy weights 175 pounds, is four feet tall, and has caused countless injuries to victorious players and coaches. Les Miles knows what he’s doing.
8. Arkansas Razorbacks
Snapped a 17-game SEC losing streak, so let’s celebrate with some gifs of Bret Bielema dancing.
9. Texas A&M Aggies
Going to be a really, really good football team the next few years. The offense is already there, but an inexperienced, mistake-prone defense has kept them from being one this season.
10. Tennessee Volunteers
Absolutely waxed Kentucky, which likely means the Vols are headed to a bowl for the first time since 2010. I say likely because the seniors on this team still have that Derek Dooley stink on them, so anything could happen.
11. South Carolina Gamecocks
Hilariously beat Florida on Saturday by blocking a punt with 12 seconds left in the game to seal Will Muschamp’s fate, because Steve Spurrier loves trolling Florida even more than he loves trolling Georgia.
12. Florida Gators
EXCLUSIVE footage of Will Muschamp getting fired this weekend:
The Cats are 0-5 since a 5-1 start. Maybe the football team should adopt John Calipari’s platoon system. Or, you know, let the basketball team play football for them.
14. Vanderbilt Commodores
The good news: did not lose this week
The bad news: has to play a pissed-off Mississippi State team on Saturday, and will likely lose.
The best news: hey, look, it’s basketball season!